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krpalmerPlunging onwards to the seventh season of Mystery Science Theater 3000, tragically brief yet well-reviewed so far as I've seen, I've reached "Deathstalker and the Warriors From Hell." The movie is somewhat in the same "low-grade sword and sorcery" vein as "Cave Dwellers," if more lacking than that film in muscles on display, and yet uniquely bad in its own way.
Things pick up at a sort of festival ("Yes, it's Renaissance festivals of the Old West.") that inspires not one but two host segments where the bots take all of Mike's money while hurling shoddy entertainment and medieval insults at him. Sword-wielding horsemen in canlike helmets, their leader adding bat wings to his headgear ("You would tell me if I looked silly in this, wouldn't you?"), thunder in, and our hero Deathstalker finds himself trying to escort a fleeing princess or something with a chunk of a magic crystal. She's killed almost immediately, but that's all right, because she has a sister played by the same person who's going to get married to the villain Troxartas. ("Troxartas, this Sunday at the Metrodome." "I just don't believe in arch-nemeses who's five-eight and bald.") Aided by and romancing ("Use tongue as blunt object. Swab tongue on every surface.") a potato-eating, horse-keeping daughter, Deathstalker infiltrates the enemy compound ("The wine cellars of Ernest and Julio Deathstalker."), and while things get kind of vague as to where his help is coming from ("I assume you're on my side, so welcome!"), Deathstalker finally slays Troxartas and rides off into the distance as everyone celebrates. ("He's leaving! Our long national nightmare is over!") This, to be sure, doesn't quite sum up all of the small, entertaining details of "one of the most ambitiously bad movies we've ever done."
The remaining host segments seem somewhat controversial, with Pearl Forrester laid low by a "parasite" and repeatedly shouting "Claydin" from her sickbed. However, there is the segment where she contacts Crow (or "Art"), and he reads to her from "Love's Sweet Throbbing Gondola," leaving her to try to explain to her son that "There was a small golden man reading to me from a dirty book."
Things pick up at a sort of festival ("Yes, it's Renaissance festivals of the Old West.") that inspires not one but two host segments where the bots take all of Mike's money while hurling shoddy entertainment and medieval insults at him. Sword-wielding horsemen in canlike helmets, their leader adding bat wings to his headgear ("You would tell me if I looked silly in this, wouldn't you?"), thunder in, and our hero Deathstalker finds himself trying to escort a fleeing princess or something with a chunk of a magic crystal. She's killed almost immediately, but that's all right, because she has a sister played by the same person who's going to get married to the villain Troxartas. ("Troxartas, this Sunday at the Metrodome." "I just don't believe in arch-nemeses who's five-eight and bald.") Aided by and romancing ("Use tongue as blunt object. Swab tongue on every surface.") a potato-eating, horse-keeping daughter, Deathstalker infiltrates the enemy compound ("The wine cellars of Ernest and Julio Deathstalker."), and while things get kind of vague as to where his help is coming from ("I assume you're on my side, so welcome!"), Deathstalker finally slays Troxartas and rides off into the distance as everyone celebrates. ("He's leaving! Our long national nightmare is over!") This, to be sure, doesn't quite sum up all of the small, entertaining details of "one of the most ambitiously bad movies we've ever done."
The remaining host segments seem somewhat controversial, with Pearl Forrester laid low by a "parasite" and repeatedly shouting "Claydin" from her sickbed. However, there is the segment where she contacts Crow (or "Art"), and he reads to her from "Love's Sweet Throbbing Gondola," leaving her to try to explain to her son that "There was a small golden man reading to me from a dirty book."